Conan the Barbarian

Episode 53: Conan the Barbarian (1982)
Theme: 80s Arnold
Hosts: Oz & Curtis

This week, Oz and Curtis oil up, grab their two-handed broadswords, and kick off Season Two with Conan the Barbarian — the only sword-and-sandals epic bold enough to say, “What if we cast the world’s most muscular man, give him twelve lines of dialogue, and let James Earl Jones cosplay as a snake-themed cult leader with baby bangs?”

Join your two favorite members of the Let’s Talk About Flix-verse as they unpack:

• How Conan goes from scrawny wheel-pusher to full-blown Mr. Olympia purely through the power of child labor laws not yet being invented.

• Why Thulsa Doom’s haircut is the real villain of the movie and deserves its own prequel.

• How Valeria becomes the only woman Conan has ever treated with respect because she can kill five men before breakfast.

• Why the Wheel of Pain is less a torture device and more an early prototype for CrossFit.

• How Doom’s big ending plan is basically “I’m your dad now, stop hitting me,” and it absolutely does not work.

From snake arrows to blue-lit demon sex, from dead vultures to green human stew, Oz and Curtis break down a movie that proves ancient barbarian justice is mostly just upper-body strength and a complete disregard for OSHA.

Final Verdict
Oz — Crumb
Curtis — Two knocked snake arrows
Both — Still convinced the Wheel of Pain was actually powering a medieval donut machine.