Baywatch

Episode 86: Baywatch (2017)

Theme: Bad Movies Based on TV Shows
Hosts: Oz & Curtis

This week, Oz and Curtis oil themselves up, tighten their imaginary red swim trunks, and cannonball into Baywatch (2017) — a movie marriage of Neighbors, Perry Mason, a Victoria’s Secret runway, and Surf Ninjas, all shaken together in a beach blender set to “slow-motion jiggle.” Dwayne Johnson flexes, Zac Efron sparkles, and the plot is held together with sunscreen, Flocka, and the ghost of a once-proud NBC primetime lineup.

Join Oz and Curtis as they unpack:

• How this movie is somehow both horny and deeply uncomfortable, like watching bikini models while mentally calculating your daughter’s age.

• Why Mitch (The Rock) is treated like a demigod lieutenant of nothing, worshipped by beach locals like he’s Poseidon with a protein shake.

• How Zac Efron delivers Olympic gold and peak himbo energy, complete with vomit-comet flashbacks and abs that require their own union rep.

• Why Ronnie becomes the unlikely heart of the film, despite his pepperoni-slice nipple fur and life-threatening… enthusiasm.

• How the movie murders two comedians (Oscar Nunez and Hannibal Buress) because apparently the writers hate joy.

• How this Baywatch team solves crimes, breaks into morgues, and blows up villains because the cops in this universe exist solely to say, “Please stop.”

• Why Priyanka Chopra Jonas goes full Bond villain, complete with real-estate corruption, yacht parties, and fireworks-based homicide.

• How Pamela Anderson’s cameo looks so green-screened she might as well have been recorded via Zoom call from 1995.

Final Verdict

Oz gives Baywatch 5 lifeguards (more than this beach actually employs), and Curtis counters with 3 poisonous sea urchins, because every plot twist in this film hinges on that spiky little Chekhov’s porcupine.