Pet Sematary

Episode 104: Pet Sematary (1989)

Theme: Stephen King Month
Hosts: Oz & Curtis

This week, Oz and Curtis dig up Pet Sematary — the Stephen King classic that proves the real terror isn’t undead cats, zombie toddlers, or the Wendigo… it’s letting Fred Gwyn teach you life lessons in a Maine accent that sounds like it got lost on the way to DeVry.

Your two favorite non-certified burial-ground cartographers dig into:

• The Movie Marriage: Night of the Living Dead × The Munsters × Death Race 2000 (with just a pinch of Monkey’s Paw seasoning).

• The Creed Family: Louis, a doctor who inexplicably leaves Chicago to work in rural Maine; Rachel, who acts like she bet Denise Crosby she could get through the film without a single facial expression; Ellie, who is very psychic; and Gage, who can outrun a kite, three adults, and the entire speed limit.

• Jud Crandall: Neighbor, accent assassin, and the man who both warns Louis and shows him the exact route to the cursed burial ground. (“Don’t go buryin’ nothin’ up there, Loois… now pack a lunch, we’re goin’!”)

• Victor Pascow: The world’s most helpful dead jogger, breaking HIPAA from beyond the grave to warn Louis every five minutes not to do the thing Louis is absolutely going to do.

• Church the Cat: Murderous, glowing-eyed, undead, and somehow still a better listener than Louis.

• The Highway of Doom: A stretch of road powered entirely by semis, Ramones music, and pure child endangerment.

• Zelda: The childhood-trauma final boss who appears only to make you physically recoil into your hoodie like a turtle.

• The Gage Incident™: Foreshadowed for 90 minutes, devastating for the Creed family, and apparently strong enough on impact to destroy a semi with minimal toddler damage.

• Zombie Gage: Knife thief, prank caller, professional Achilles slicer, and maybe the only undead murderer who still remembers his home phone number.

• The Ending: Rachel returns “fresh” from the burial ground, leaking nightmare slime from her eye, picks up a knife, and the Ramones kick in because sometimes… dead is better.

It’s grim, it’s sad, it’s disturbing, it’s got the scariest sick-sister ever filmed, and it reminds us all: if Fred Gwynne starts telling stories about sour ground, just move.

Final Verdict:

Oz — 8 Trips to the Micmac Burial Ground
Curtis — 56 Eyeballs

Next week: War Movie Month begins — but don’t worry, no tanks or trenches here. We’re kicking things off with Lord of War (2005), featuring Nicolas Cage, Jared Leto, and the most subtle acting choices since… never. Buckle up.