American Ninja

Episode 110: American Ninja (1985)

Theme: “By the Numbers” Action Month
Hosts: Oz & Curtis

This week, Oz and Curtis unleash the roundhouse absurdity of American Ninja — the Cannon Films classic that answers the vital cinematic question:
“What if The Matrix had zero emotions, The Bourne Identity had zero memory, The Story of Ricky had zero safety regulations… and Pee-wee Herman directed the training montage?”

Your two favorite vest-wearing, trampoline-dodging warriors dive into:

• The Movie Marriage: The Matrix × The Bourne Identity × The Story of Ricky × the movie-within-a-movie from Pee-wee’s Big Adventure.

• Joe Armstrong: The world’s quietest amnesiac turned Army private turned ninja savant — trained in the ancient art of Looking Distracted While Backflipping.

• Patricia Hickock: Colonel’s daughter, hair connoisseur, skirt-ripping victim, and one-woman saxophone soundtrack.

• Corporal Curtis Jackson: Human bicep, baby-oil enthusiast, future best friend pipeline.

• Victor Ortega: Mustache-twisting villain with a tropical criminal resort and a color-coded ninja day camp.

• Black Star Ninja: The final boss who comes equipped with wrist lasers, teleportation smoke, and the world’s angriest eyebrow tattoo.

• The Non-Stop Murder Plots: Everyone — literally everyone — openly discusses killing Joe at full volume in public spaces.

• Ninja Training Camp: Rainbow GIs, trampoline flips, monkey bars, coordinated somersaults… a fever dream of summer-camp choreography.

• The Helicopter Finale: Joe clings to a mysterious acrobat bar, punches Ortega mid-flight, rescues Patricia, and survives a fall onto a very bouncy rooftop.

It’s loud, it’s sweaty, it’s nonsensical, it’s glorious — a perfect kickoff to By-the-Numbers Action Month and a beautiful reminder of why Cannon Films existed.

Final Verdict:

Oz — 6 Shuriken Stars
Curtis — 48 Dudikoffs

Next week: Hard to Kill — Steven Seagal runs, whispers, squints, heals, meditates, and defies the laws of ego. Prepare your ponytails.