Bloodsport

Episode 112: Bloodsport (1988)

Theme: “By the Numbers” Action Month
Hosts: Oz & Curtis

This week, Oz and Curtis crane-kick their way into Bloodsport — a movie that proudly declares itself “based on a true story,” despite being only slightly more factual than The Hobbit. It’s the only film bold enough to mix:

Mortal Kombat + Kill Bill Vol. 2’s Pai Mei chapter + Rocky IV + Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Your two favorite kumite-adjacent podcasters break down:

• The Movie Marriage: Mortal Kombat × Kill Bill Vol. 2 (“I can fight blindfolded!”) × Rocky IV training montages × TMNT reporter energy.

• Frank Dux (Dukes, “Dooks,” put-up-your-dukes): The Muscles from Brussels playing a man who absolutely did not do the things this movie says he did — according to Frank Dux.

• Ray Jackson: Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds as Michelangelo: loud, American, full of pizza, and armed with no fighting style whatsoever.

• Janice the Reporter: April O’Neil with a perm and a bright yellow jacket who investigates underground death matches by flirting her way past security.

• The Flashback: A three-act memory sequence where teenage JCVD looks nothing like adult JCVD, and everyone politely waits while he stares off into space.

• The Kumite Rules: Super-secret tournament… that everyone knows about, including the press, the police, and possibly Guinness World Records.

• The Brick Trick (Dim Mak): “Brick not hit back.” Also brick explode like C4.

• Bolo Yeung as Chong Li: Villain, pec-flexing machine, and the human embodiment of the “I’m not even supposed to be here today” energy.

• The Nut Punch: JCVD dropping into the splits and uppercutting a man’s soul through his pelvis.

• The Bromance: Frank and Ray staring lovingly into each other's eyes, as Janice realizes she is absolutely the third wheel.

• The Blind Fight: Chong Li blinds him, but thankfully Frank Dux has breakfast training and can dodge punches when English muffins are threatened.

• The Victory: JCVD screaming “AAAAAAHHHHH!” for 14 straight seconds as Chong Li’s entire family feels the shame.

Final Verdict:

Oz — 8 Banana Splits
Curtis — 71 Utterances of “Kumite!”

Next week: The Transporter — Jason Statham drives very fast, punches very cleanly, and delivers packages with more emotional range than most modern doorbell cameras. Buckle up.