Boyfriends of Christmas Past

Episode 7: Boyfriends of Christmas Past (2021)

Theme: Hallmark-esque Christmas Movies
Hosts: Oz & Curtis

This week, Oz and Curtis strap on their emotional seatbelts, grab a suspiciously decorative mug of hot cocoa, and dive into Boyfriends of Christmas Past — the Hallmark movie that dares to ask the bold question:

• What if Scrooge was a beautiful marketing executive with four very alive ex-boyfriends and commitment issues thicker than a December snowstorm?
• Join your two favorite holiday masochists as they unwrap:
• Why Lauren — a marketing professional who spends roughly 14 combined minutes at her actual job — only finds inspiration after physically touching pastries.
• How Nate, the world’s most handsome social worker, somehow runs The Community Center (capital T, capital C) singlehandedly while adopting every teenager in the city as his emotional support children.
• Why Hallmark believes snow falls in 2D PNG layers, winter events occur every eight minutes, and Christmas Eve is the ideal time to hold major corporate pitch meetings.

How each ex-boyfriend arrives like a low-budget Dickensian fever dream:

• Tyler, the world’s oldest 15-year-old skater boy.

• Jake, a human acoustic guitar wearing a beanie of heartbreak.

• Henry, a man so allergic to spontaneity he probably calendars his REM cycles.

• Logan, who proposes on a zipline seconds before yeeting himself off it.

Why the movie’s central moral seems to be:
“If you don’t face your emotional demons… four aggressively mediocre men will break into your home and force you to.”

And of course, the slow-burn romance between Lauren and Nate — a pair of gorgeous idiots so deeply in the friend zone they need FOUR GHOST BOYFRIENDS and the entire community center’s teen staff to spell out the obvious.

From hot chocolate dependency to mid-meeting career abandonment to the most awkward first kiss in front of teenagers since prom 2003, Oz and Curtis unbox Hallmark’s surprisingly effective assembly-line magic.

Final Verdict:

Oz — Forty-four hot chocolate breaks
Curtis — Seventeen ghosts of ex-boyfriends
Both — Still waiting for the digital snow to actually land on something.