Bram Stoker's Dracula

Episode 14: Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)

Theme: Wife’s Choice Romance Month
Hosts: Oz & Curtis

This week, Oz and Curtis kick off Wife’s Choice Romance Month with Bram Stoker’s Dracula — the only movie bold enough to say, “Romance is beautiful… as long as it’s aggressively horny, slightly traumatic, and drenched in enough blood to refinish a barn.”

Join your two terrified romantics as they bravely unpack:

• How Gary Oldman plays all four elemental forms of romance: Old Man Romance, Victorian Gentleman Romance, Giant Bat Romance, and Wolf-Man-Who-Needs-To-Chill Romance.

• Why Keanu Reeves’ accent is the true horror of the film — a sound that hovers somewhere between “Victorian banker” and “British exchange student who studied abroad for nine minutes.”

• How Winona Ryder’s Mina fully commits to the love triangle dynamic of:

  1. Her fiancé,
  2. Her immortal reincarnated lover,
  3. And her questionable decision-making skills.

• Why Anthony Hopkins acts like he’s auditioning for Van Helsing on Ice — eating scenery, meat, and possibly a few patients.

• How Lucy is simultaneously the thirstiest Victorian alive and the only person having fun in this movie.

• Why the “three Bros of Lucy” (Seward, Morris, Holmwood) might be cinema’s greatest example of “Bros Before Nosferatus.”

• And how Coppola looked at subtlety, threw it directly into the River Styx, and said,
  “Nah… let’s do all the camera tricks at once.”

Featuring shadow puppets with anger issues, eyeballs in the sky, a peacock cameo with suspicious timing, and a sex scene that will make you say, “Should… should I be watching this?”

By the end, Oz and Curtis are left wondering:
Is it horror?
Is it romance?
Is it a two-hour fever dream about hair, lust, and turn-of-the-century real estate?

Answer: Yes.

Final Verdict:

Oz — Three very enthusiastic Brides of Dracula out of three
Curtis — 87 severed Lucy heads (don’t worry, it’s a compliment)
Both — Still confused why Van Helsing was so hungry.