Legends of the Fall

Episode 17: Legends of the Fall (1994)

Theme: Wife’s Choice Romance Month
Hosts: Oz & Curtis

This week, Oz and Curtis close out Wife’s Choice Romance Month with Legends of the Fall — the only movie bold enough to combine Yellowstone, Forrest Gump, Dumb and Dumber, Anchorman, The Untouchables, Thor: Ragnarok, and Cast Away into one sweeping frontier epic about love, loss, bears, bootlegging, and Brad Pitt’s perfectly conditioned peak-meat hair.

Join your two emotionally exhausted ranch hands as they attempt to wrangle:

• Brad Pitt as Tristan: a man so beautiful even the wind refuses to blow against him.

• Three brothers: each representing a different personality type — Responsible Oldest, Sad Wildman, and Harvard Potato.

• Susannah: the Mary Swanson of Montana, accidentally in love with all of them.

• Anthony Hopkins: overacting his stroke so hard you can hear the scenery cracking.

• And Bart the Bear, the real star of the film, who survives long enough to collect his pension.

This movie has everything:
Love triangles, love squares, wars, strokes, bootleggers, heart removal, a man crying every 15 minutes, an entire subplot solved by barbed wire, and more time jumps than Dark.

It’s a frontier romance.
It’s a war film.
It’s a prohibition thriller.
It’s a coming-of-age story.
It’s a bear-based slasher.
It’s everything, everywhere, all at once — but made in 1994.

Final Verdict:

Oz — Six Peak-Meat Brad Pitts
Curtis — Fifty-three bear claws (the pastry, not the animal)
Both — Still confused how no one aged except the bear.