Episode 32: The Dark Crystal (1982)

Theme: Creepy Movies for Kids
Hosts: Oz & Curtis

This week, Oz and Curtis dive beak-first into The Dark Crystal — Jim Henson’s epic fantasy fever dream where vulture-mutants in bathrobes fight over who gets to be Emperor of… honestly, whatever’s left of this dusty planet.

Join the boys as they unpack:

• A movie marriage of Lord of the Rings, Labyrinth, and Meet the Feebles — because apparently the 80s weren’t satisfied with being weird… they had to be puppet-weird.

• Jen, the “chosen one,” whose special gift is being slightly confused for the entire runtime.

• Kira, who does 90% of the work and still has to explain to Jen why girls get wings.

• The Skeksis, who are basically what happens if a turkey carcass and a Real Housewife spiritually fuse.

• Fizzgig, the screaming hairball whose only job is “be loud” and “have too many teeth.”

• Agra, who pops out her own eyeball like she’s fixing a contact lens at a bar.

• And of course the Mystics — the slowest-moving species in cinematic history — marching across the land like they’re trying to get 10,000 Fitbit steps before sunset.

From soul-juice extractions to the prophecy that absolutely no one (including the prophecy-havers) understands, Oz and Curtis try to make sense of why this movie is somehow creepy, ambitious, nonsensical, and impressive all at the same time.

Final Verdict:

Oz — 6 sexy Skeksis
Curtis — 3 converging suns
Both — Wondering what, exactly, the Skeksis were ruling over.