Return of the King

Episode 95: The Lord of the Rings – The Return of the King (2003)

Theme: Return Month
Hosts: Oz & Curtis

This week, Oz and Curtis take on the biggest, longest, most award-winning entry of Return Month: The Return of the King, also known as “What if a fantasy movie had 47 endings and still somehow wasn’t long enough?”

Join your two favorite Middle-earth dads as they navigate:

• The Movie Marriage: The Ring × The Frighteners × The NeverEnding Story — a combo only Peter Jackson could make feel both epic and slightly haunted.

• Smeagol’s Birthday Murder, featuring the classic line “It’s my birthday” which—honestly—explains every bad thing Gollum ever does.

• The Extended Edition, where Saruman dies in the world’s angriest water park accident and Gandalf’s staff runs on D-batteries last stocked in 1987.

• Pippin: still Gandalf’s least favorite student, still touching the one object he was told not to touch.

• Denethor: Father of the Year (if the award was sponsored by Gushers and bad decisions).

• Eowyn’s “I am no man” moment, the world’s most satisfying loophole murder.

• Legolas vs. The Oliphaunt, an elaborate CGI takedown that ends with him sliding down a trunk like he’s exiting the world’s nerdiest water slide.

• The Army of the Dead, who show up like a spectral lawn-care service and mulch Sauron’s forces in under three minutes.

• Gollum’s dental work, in which he solves the ring problem by biting off Frodo’s finger like it’s a chicken wing.

• The Eagles, who continue to be the “could’ve ended this in 10 minutes but okay” animals of Middle-earth.

• The 38 epilogues, including Sam’s wedding, Frodo’s ghost-cruise retirement, and everybody crying in slow motion like they accidentally wandered into a shampoo commercial.

Sword fights. Giant spiders. A ghost army. A flaming steward screaming his way off a cliff.
It’s the full buffet of fantasy chaos — and Oz and Curtis ate every last plate.

Final Verdict:

Oz — 10 out of 10
Curtis — 9.5 Frodo Fingers
Both — One ring, zero chill.

Next week: Return Month wraps up with Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker — the animated palette cleanser everyone needs after four and a half hours in Mordor.