Dungeons & Dragons

Episode 243: Dungeons & Dragons

Theme: Board Game Month
Hosts: Oz & Curtis

This week, Oz and Curtis roll a natural one on their saving throws as Board Game Month takes them into the baffling, green-screened abyss of the 2000 fantasy disaster, Dungeons & Dragons. It’s a film where the wardrobe looks like high-quality LARPing over Michigan State crewnecks, a dwarf is mysteriously the same height as everyone else, and the entire production's budget was clearly spent on Jeremy Irons's glorious, scenery-chewing cackles. Grab your 20-sided die, put on your blue lipstick, and prepare to magic your way out of a very long 107 minutes.

The hosts break down:

• Ridley & Snails (Justin Whalen & Marlon Wayans): Two rogue thieves who decide to rob the local "Magic School," only for Snails to get brutally yeeted off a castle tower halfway through a movie that was supposed to be a jaunty adventure.

• Profion (Jeremy Irons): A rogue mage who went into this production knowing he had a newly purchased castle to pay for, single-handedly carrying the acting weight of the entire film on his glistening, over-enunciating shoulders.

• Empress Savina (Thora Birch): A monarch fighting for democratic equality who delivers her lines with the casual enthusiasm of a teenager reading a text message, before eventually summoning a gold CGI dragon to eat her political rivals.

• The "Bar Fight" Directive: An elegant piece of scriptwriting where Elwood the Dwarf triggers an entire tavern brawl simply by running into the room and screaming the words "Bar fight!"

• The Quicksand Rug: A logistical deep dive into the trap systems of the thieves' guild, where a turn-of-the-century CGI reptile punishes bad performance by crawling out of a henchman's ears.

Final Verdict:

Oz — A Francis Dollarhyde
Curtis — 3.7 Jeremy Irons